Hello again

It's been quite some time since I have blogged. Many things have happened and I'll try to fill you in the best i can..

Elin left and then a while later Ben left for Texas. It's weird being home alone, going to school without Elin. I'm getting used to it. Been playing guitar quite a bit.

Soccer season is going. I am ready for it to be over. Im constantly hurt.

I really would just love for this school year to be over as well. I am going to Sweden after graduation for a little and then when i get back Ben is coming down so we can drive back to Texas together. I am so excited for this new adventure to start.

I know many more things have happened but i have to get ready for school.

I'll be back a little later.

a lonely night

it's already coming back. im sitting in my room with no one to talk to, no one to text, nothing to do. I can only check my email so much. I have learned a new song and the next one im working on i need help with but once again ben is not coming over. which is fine.. just on this particular night i feel very much alone. im listening to two songs over and over again because they are both elin and ben. i know each one by heart and possibly the instruments as well. i cleaned my room completely and so now im left with nothing.
I guess ill just be thinking of ways to go to texas with ben.

trying to get by

I ate yesterday for the first time since Elin left. I went over to breezys because she had a bad day. we ended up getting pizza at ten thirty and i ate over half of it myself. It felt kinda good to eat haha. I dont know where im at with the whole moving thing. I'm starting to feel really bad that i ever brought it up because breezy is going to lose her boyfriend and her sister in august and im all thats left for her basically and now i want to move. :( im so selfish sometimes. In all honesty. I'm buying as much time as i can so i can hang on to ben and find a way to get to texas with him. Some may find this irrational but maybe that's because you havent felt the way i feel about him.
I'm going camping tomorrow with benjamin :) i cant wait. Tonight possibly a bon fire consisting of me ben guitars and maybe breezy rae. we shall see.
I have not gone a day without ben this entire week. and i dont plan on starting. Since monday i have attempted to wake him up early but i fail because as soon as i get over to his house i just end up falling asleep with him haha. oh well.
Mulleys saturday.. ben is playing with his little bro sam, who is a bad ass on the drums. It's going to be hard tho because Elin isnt there. I can literally hear her harmonies come in but its only in my head.. I know ben wants her there too. We both want her here with us, but until we meet again she will always be in our hearts and our memories, filling us with good times and memories.

missing them

I dont have much to say. i havent eaten since elin left. the house is quiet and empty. i spend most my time with ben now. he is keeping me going but idk for how much longer because i just have to tell him goodbye in a couple months. til then im hanging on tight. i miss elin so much. i look at my wall which we never finished and i want to finish it but at the same time i dont because its not the same without her. i fixed my guitar. im really trying to find a way to texas with ben. i love that boy. im just going to say it. this place is empty to me. aside for ben now. he's filling me up but once he leaves all will be empty to me. elin meant so much to me and now that she is gone i have realized she meant more then i expected. i know for a fact ben is such a big part of me. without him im not going to be ok. in just a few minutes im going to break down to my mom and basically beg her to let me move to twin with my dad for a year. i tried last year.. didnt go like i wanted but thats ok because i stayed here and met two amazing people but now i want to move still. why shouldnt i. its my dad. i hardly see him. i have been with my mom for all my life. whats one year with my dad. ill be less then 3 hours away and i just want to spend my last year with him before i head to college because as of now im either going to texas or oregon. i want to be with my dad. so we can be close and hang like we never get to. is that so much to ask? why is that wrong.. i have been so lost and depressed for months and months. elin and ben brought me out of it but when im not with them i slip back into it. and that scares me. so here i go. standing p for what i want. wish me luck. i love you elin. i miss you so much. in case you read this.

One weekend

Friday, i drove to twin, once i got there we started cleaning house for graduation. While on my way to get tables for grad. i got pulled over because i have over sized tires and apparently they kicked up a rock on the cop car following me. I did not receive a ticket, my dad on the other hand got a citation for not wearing his seat belt in the passengers seat hahahha i laughed. My big sister just graduated high school. I had to sneak into her grad. it wasnt too hard. watched the ceremony then had a party at our house for her. she went to her all night party. While she was there Kaitlynn(other sister), Austin(ryanns boyfriend) and I took a long walk to to bridge and just sat under it telling stories. great time. then we came back to the bon fire chilled with the adults and went to bed. Kaitlynn and i started our lord of the rings marathon. Sunday we cleaned up after the party then i took the dogs driving with my dad. Went to ice cream with my sister, had a birthday party at my aunts, and went swimming. My family is so awesome.. The birthday party was full of dirty conversations... u have to understand the only people there r my dad, step mom, aunt, great grandma, grandma uncle and uncle. and me. so im having dirty conversaations and making dirty jokes with my elders haha. then my great grandma who cant hear by the way, flips us all off as she says thats what she thinks of our nastiness hahaha. she can read lips good. but i was like wow my g-g-ma just flipped everyone off. ha. then after that my sister and a few friends and i went to the river and jumped in. ten o'clock at night... still practically winter.. it was so cold.. breath taking cold. but its tradition.. then we came home and continued our marathon.
I had such a great weekend. Im glad i got away. now i have to go back.. this week will be a sad one im sure. My newest sister is getting ready to leave :( after she graduates of course. Im excited to meet her family.

playing guitar

So Elin and I played at our art show today. The first time i was playing guitar with elin and i was singing as well. that didnt go so hot. then i played another song i know and i said cuss words into the mic. But then after a while elin and i played again. this time she played guitar while i sang and it went much better. and it was kinda intense because everyone had come to listen. but it went well :) also today i put chords to my song. and i really like it. thats just bout my day.

needed out of my head

i want to take a hitch hiking trip all around the US. and i want to randomly go to the airport and get a ticket to somewhere and i want to work all different jobs to get me from city to city, and i want to write songs that are ridiculously up beat and happy and i want to sing them on random corners. I want to help random people because they just need someone to help them through a day in their life. I want to live a life not just be alive for a life time. That may not make much sense to someone but right now i think about all this over and over again. I feel like most people settle, they arent doing what they want. they are just doing what they can easily reach because it's safer, and i think thats sad and i dont want that for anyone. I want their life to be what they truely chose.
I know you have to face reality. I understand that at a certain point u have to know what you cant really do but i think you can always find a way to do something you really want to do.
I just want to be able to do something. something that isn't just routine.