a lonely night

it's already coming back. im sitting in my room with no one to talk to, no one to text, nothing to do. I can only check my email so much. I have learned a new song and the next one im working on i need help with but once again ben is not coming over. which is fine.. just on this particular night i feel very much alone. im listening to two songs over and over again because they are both elin and ben. i know each one by heart and possibly the instruments as well. i cleaned my room completely and so now im left with nothing.
I guess ill just be thinking of ways to go to texas with ben.

trying to get by

I ate yesterday for the first time since Elin left. I went over to breezys because she had a bad day. we ended up getting pizza at ten thirty and i ate over half of it myself. It felt kinda good to eat haha. I dont know where im at with the whole moving thing. I'm starting to feel really bad that i ever brought it up because breezy is going to lose her boyfriend and her sister in august and im all thats left for her basically and now i want to move. :( im so selfish sometimes. In all honesty. I'm buying as much time as i can so i can hang on to ben and find a way to get to texas with him. Some may find this irrational but maybe that's because you havent felt the way i feel about him.
I'm going camping tomorrow with benjamin :) i cant wait. Tonight possibly a bon fire consisting of me ben guitars and maybe breezy rae. we shall see.
I have not gone a day without ben this entire week. and i dont plan on starting. Since monday i have attempted to wake him up early but i fail because as soon as i get over to his house i just end up falling asleep with him haha. oh well.
Mulleys saturday.. ben is playing with his little bro sam, who is a bad ass on the drums. It's going to be hard tho because Elin isnt there. I can literally hear her harmonies come in but its only in my head.. I know ben wants her there too. We both want her here with us, but until we meet again she will always be in our hearts and our memories, filling us with good times and memories.

missing them

I dont have much to say. i havent eaten since elin left. the house is quiet and empty. i spend most my time with ben now. he is keeping me going but idk for how much longer because i just have to tell him goodbye in a couple months. til then im hanging on tight. i miss elin so much. i look at my wall which we never finished and i want to finish it but at the same time i dont because its not the same without her. i fixed my guitar. im really trying to find a way to texas with ben. i love that boy. im just going to say it. this place is empty to me. aside for ben now. he's filling me up but once he leaves all will be empty to me. elin meant so much to me and now that she is gone i have realized she meant more then i expected. i know for a fact ben is such a big part of me. without him im not going to be ok. in just a few minutes im going to break down to my mom and basically beg her to let me move to twin with my dad for a year. i tried last year.. didnt go like i wanted but thats ok because i stayed here and met two amazing people but now i want to move still. why shouldnt i. its my dad. i hardly see him. i have been with my mom for all my life. whats one year with my dad. ill be less then 3 hours away and i just want to spend my last year with him before i head to college because as of now im either going to texas or oregon. i want to be with my dad. so we can be close and hang like we never get to. is that so much to ask? why is that wrong.. i have been so lost and depressed for months and months. elin and ben brought me out of it but when im not with them i slip back into it. and that scares me. so here i go. standing p for what i want. wish me luck. i love you elin. i miss you so much. in case you read this.