My very own Guitar.

April 26th will forever be remembered. It's the day I got my first guitar. Elin and I had gone to 5j at least three times looking at guitars and just chilling playing a few different ones. I fell in love with the jasmine. she's beautiful. My plan was to save up money, mainly from selling my car, so i could go get it. My mother and sneaky elin worked together and my mom and paul went and got it for me. I am so happy. It's like my baby now. I told ben her name is jasmine, which isnt very creative since it's literally named jasmine but oh well lol. I have a list of songs to learn and if i could i would play all day. stupid school, always getting in the way.

If i could change any one thing.

I know everyone has had a moment they wish they could take back. i have them as well. and todays moment right now is at the top of my list. Since Elin is the only one who reads this i wont have to explain.

I am about to lose two people that im not sure i can handle losing. The impact they have made even surprised me. One amazing girl who lives with me and is now my big sister, and the other is a boy i don't want to say goodbye to.

Elin is leaving in less then two months. A day or two right after she graduates. it's not like she is just going a hundred miles away, even four hundred would be a road trip i could easily make but this is like many many more miles away. across an oceans worth of miles, literally across an ocean. I can't just see her all the time. I am going to make that trip somehow though. She knows me so well, she helps me through so much, and now she is about to leave.

Ben. (once again since only elin reads this i can say names.) I don't know how to possibly get him back. even if it is just for the next few months. he said he doesnt want to get attached but honestly i would feel much better having him for the while we had left then being around him and missing him so much. sometimes its hard for me not to get caught up in the moment with him and we just do silly things that make me think maybe he would want to make it work for the next few months too. but i try not to get my hopes up, i haven't expected much to work out for me for quite sometime until he came around of course. I was hoping somehow he would end up staying here, i am still hoping that,( thats not fair of me to hope though. he loves texas and i want him to be happy, im just being selfish right now) but now i am hoping, to start, that before he leaves we will have another chance, because i believe to hope for him to stay would be a greater disappointment then another chance. i am always so happy with this kid. If he could possibly just understand what i am thinking maybe something would be different. at least for a while. I don't know how to make him see. Not sure how i can tell him without saying any words.

What music means to me

So i have been writing "songs" since probably freshman year but it was always just something to do. I wasn't too serious about it especially since i didn't have a musical instrument to play with my lyrics. This year has totally changed my seriousness. Elin came and she plays guitar. quite amazingly and then also Ben came who is just as awesome, and them being my best friends lately. Elin is teaching me guitar and i have been writing a lot more and plan to get myself a guitar. I love music so much. I just want to to write something that makes people really think and listen and hear what it really being said. Music is so expressive. I wouldn't be who i am without it.

Music is such a huge part of my life and i can't imagine the world without it. Ever think about how much it influences us. No doubt some is not the best for influence but music is a big part of people. The creativity and the reality behind it tells a story and effects us whether we realize it or not.
Music can be an out, a savior, or a hobby for people. Some people listen to the beat and others listen to the words. Listening is only part of it though, actually hearing the words and what they mean or what they describe is the biggest part of music. No one could ever really appreciate music until they have really heard the story being told.
All forms of music tell a story of someone we can relate to. Scream, country, metal, rap, the list goes on. The artists are just like you and me, with an amazing way of expressing themselves.
The ones who don't write the songs could be the ones being saved by them. Every beat, every word, every song means something more then just another music star, another award, or another bad ending.
Our society and generation will never stop finding ways to express ourselves. Freedom of speech isn't just a right to protect our opinions its a way to express ourselves, to find who we are, and to save one another. Music is a huge part of the world, peoples imagination, and our success.
When I listen to music I find thoughts inside myself, feelings I didn't know existed, and a way to escape all the things trying to put me down.
Im going to make it through this life knowing that no matter what happens i will always have music and the stories behind the beat and lyrics of course to relate to.
I hope people will find what I have found in music. Let it in and enjoy the stories told every time we turn on that radio, our ipods, and our mp3s.

Drawing and Painting

I never really got into art until my friend Krista started showing me what she was doing in class. She is amazing at art by the way. So I took art this year and am very pleased with how much i have improved. This was my first pencil drawing of the year. I decided to draw a famous piece by M.C. Escher. I left out a few pieces of his picture. Objects in the background. This really helped me to get more into art. Now I am hoping to continue drawing as I get older and continue improving.

College choices

I am a junior and though this isn't my last year I have started looking at colleges since I was a sophomore. It's a little stressful not always knowing where you are going but I am trying to just live my life and let things fall into place. This has made things easier to handle. I am doing all this college stuff on my own. My parents aren't really into it. Hopefully I can get them to take video for my sports next year because this year they didn't get anything. In fact they somehow missed everything.."the camera turned off" exactly when I made a play and then turned back on magically when the play was over... well hopefully you can understand what I mean by me doing this college stuff on my own because I am not joking around about that. Anyway. I don't know if anyone has received a letter or just information about a college but it's kind of exciting when you do. More coaches are emailing me and sending me information about their school which is helping my confidence a ton. Maybe my parents will realize I can make it to college. Some days they seem interested almost but usually not a word is said, at least and an encouraging word. Words have been spoken but they were more of the discouraging kind. I personally can't wait til I go to college. I want to get out of here. Spring Creek is a lovely place and I would love to come back here when I am older but as a kid there isn't a lot here and of course my parents don't help. I want to get away from them for a while. I am thinking I might go live with my dad for a year or so and do my basics at the community college in twin if I don't receive an offer too good to pass up. It would be really nice to catch up with him and my step mom and sisters. I miss them. The seniors this year are all talking about the colleges they are about to go off too. I am very excited for them and can't wait until I can be the one talking about where I am going. I'm going to work hard and keep searching.

Lamoille Canyon

Today Elin and I went to the canyon and took pictures. Obviously all the pictures of me were taken by her lol. This weekend has been so sunny. We could literally fall asleep in the sun. Elin fell asleep and got burnt haha. It's hilarious. The canyon was very nice. I had quite a few different outfits and a great spot. I am not usually in pictures but Elin had fun and I got dressed up, it was fun. Next weekend we are going back so I can take pictures of Elin. When she isn't red and after I have bleached her hair. I am definitely enjoying the sunshine and now I can't wait for summer to come.

Changing my life

Meet Elin Westin. She has been living with me and my family for the last seven months. I am ashamed to admit it has taken us about five or six of those months to realize we have so much fun together and we are so alike. Elin plays guitar and sings beautiful songs. She is teaching me how to play guitar. This girl is basically my big sister. In two months she is leaving to go back home and I'm very sad about this. She is my best friend and partner in crime. On the bright side though I am going to make a trip to Sweden. Elin has changed my life. Since she has been here things in my family are a bit better, which is great considering how they were, so I have to thank her for that. If anyone knows Elin then you probably know that she doesn't judge you. Least I don't ever feel judged. She is an awesome person to be around and I am so happy she came into my life. I know that even when she leaves we will be close and she will always be a sister to me.




This is Mr. Ben Moore. In the past month he has changed my life just as much. If you ever feel like just being yourself and don't know who you can be that with, go see Ben. I have never been more of myself then I am with this kid. It's the best feeling. He is also a musician. Plays a few different instruments and sings. He and Elin play together at a few great places around this town. Ben and I used to go to the same school yet we didn't really talk, knew of each other but that's about it right.. Well basically thanks to Elin, Ben and I are good friends. I am sad that we didn't talk to each other before this year but glad we do now. He could also be another partner in crime of mine haha. Best part is he lives just done the road a ways from me, though he goes to school in Elko now. Ben has made me realize that I don't want to be anyone else but myself, I'm not going to keep changing who I am to be someone I'm really not for those around me. Some of my happiest times are with this kid and Elin as well. I am so thankful for them. I believe more with them and I am myself with them. You couldn't have better friends then those you are yourself around.

Side note: Elin drew his tattoo in this picture and I also must say I love this picture of him. [bandana :) ]

Loss

Sometimes in life we lose ourselves whether its for a moment or for a while more. Sometimes we lose our friends and the ones we love. In those times, some of us look back to see what happened to get us there. Some look forward to see if they will ever find what they are looking for. Some people find answers and some don't. When we find those answers I'd like to think we do something about where we are at, but i can not say that most of us do. I have found that a lot of people don't care. They don't even realize they are lost or that they have lost people on their way through life. I feel bad for these people and I wish some how I could open their eyes. It's much easier to see other people then to see yourself I believe. I'm not sure why this is bit sometimes it seems people are afraid of who they truly are. They hold themselves back to fir or they she away to keep people from noticing who they really are. I wish people could just be accepted for themselves. I wish no one had to prove to others that they matter. Everyone seems to have this desperate need to feel important, to feel they belong, and that they make a difference. I think maybe people don't always realize they have this feeling but I believe it's in every one of us, therefore we change, hold back, or open up more.

I don't understand how it could make such a difference. The way you talk, the way you dress, they way you do your makeup. I don't see why any of that matters when the real person before you is underneath all that.

I can't change people's thoughts, though I wish I could sometimes. I just hope that in time people realize this.

When we move on from either the good times or the bad, sometimes there are things, memories, and people we cannot take with us. In those times you have to believe that all is not lost. You can regain a lot, whether its a friend or just a small detail that you have missed. There is always time to regain those loses. Whether you find time or take the time you have to think and regain is your deal but I know there are things I would like to regain, to find,, and to remember.

Photography

I love photography. Photography is such an expressive art. It captures a moment, a memory, and a feeling. I hope to travel around to many different places to photograph all the different styles and cultures. I want to capture the world. I want to take a photograph that can mean something to people. Take a photograph that will make someone think.

Bar fight

Well I'm just starting out so we will see how this goes and currently I have much on my mind and I'm probably not going to make much sense but oh well.

Bar fights.. just witnessed one. I don't see how someone can be okay with themselves after having a meaningless fight with a drunk. Honestly. It seems people have this natural urge to fight, to prove themselves, to display a certain authority or something. I won't deny I have from time to time thought about getting in a fight but with a drunk..really I just don't understand that. They might say "well he was asking for it" or "he was talking shit", but lets stop and think about this.. when someone is drunk, and when I say drunk I mean barely walking type of drunk, do they really know whats going on. Are they really in any shape to get in a fight. .? no. How low do we have to be in order to half way soberly get in a fight with someone who is no where near the word sober.

Even in life, outside the bar, everyone as humans and whatever else you care to call life and society, our one consistency is war and murder. We fight and kill to progress, to move ahead, to just be mean, and for no apparent reason at all. If someone took a look at our past and started connecting things would we find any justification? Over many years and many wars, many moments of violence has anything really come from it..? We created a nation to break away from one that was controlling and "unamerican" but really what is unamerican.
I'm sorry if you are someone who totally loves america and thinks the world of it but you have to consider this... How can someone be unamerican? is it because that person goes against what we stand for..? we stand for freedom of many kinds for equal rights, for a number of things but were we really that when we first decided this. We had slaves, we murdered because of differences, beliefs, all sorts of reason otherwise unamerican... how can you be unamerican when our past is full of "unamerican ideas and actions"

well who would have thought we could get from a bar fight to unamericanism....