Hello again

It's been quite some time since I have blogged. Many things have happened and I'll try to fill you in the best i can..

Elin left and then a while later Ben left for Texas. It's weird being home alone, going to school without Elin. I'm getting used to it. Been playing guitar quite a bit.

Soccer season is going. I am ready for it to be over. Im constantly hurt.

I really would just love for this school year to be over as well. I am going to Sweden after graduation for a little and then when i get back Ben is coming down so we can drive back to Texas together. I am so excited for this new adventure to start.

I know many more things have happened but i have to get ready for school.

I'll be back a little later.

a lonely night

it's already coming back. im sitting in my room with no one to talk to, no one to text, nothing to do. I can only check my email so much. I have learned a new song and the next one im working on i need help with but once again ben is not coming over. which is fine.. just on this particular night i feel very much alone. im listening to two songs over and over again because they are both elin and ben. i know each one by heart and possibly the instruments as well. i cleaned my room completely and so now im left with nothing.
I guess ill just be thinking of ways to go to texas with ben.

trying to get by

I ate yesterday for the first time since Elin left. I went over to breezys because she had a bad day. we ended up getting pizza at ten thirty and i ate over half of it myself. It felt kinda good to eat haha. I dont know where im at with the whole moving thing. I'm starting to feel really bad that i ever brought it up because breezy is going to lose her boyfriend and her sister in august and im all thats left for her basically and now i want to move. :( im so selfish sometimes. In all honesty. I'm buying as much time as i can so i can hang on to ben and find a way to get to texas with him. Some may find this irrational but maybe that's because you havent felt the way i feel about him.
I'm going camping tomorrow with benjamin :) i cant wait. Tonight possibly a bon fire consisting of me ben guitars and maybe breezy rae. we shall see.
I have not gone a day without ben this entire week. and i dont plan on starting. Since monday i have attempted to wake him up early but i fail because as soon as i get over to his house i just end up falling asleep with him haha. oh well.
Mulleys saturday.. ben is playing with his little bro sam, who is a bad ass on the drums. It's going to be hard tho because Elin isnt there. I can literally hear her harmonies come in but its only in my head.. I know ben wants her there too. We both want her here with us, but until we meet again she will always be in our hearts and our memories, filling us with good times and memories.

missing them

I dont have much to say. i havent eaten since elin left. the house is quiet and empty. i spend most my time with ben now. he is keeping me going but idk for how much longer because i just have to tell him goodbye in a couple months. til then im hanging on tight. i miss elin so much. i look at my wall which we never finished and i want to finish it but at the same time i dont because its not the same without her. i fixed my guitar. im really trying to find a way to texas with ben. i love that boy. im just going to say it. this place is empty to me. aside for ben now. he's filling me up but once he leaves all will be empty to me. elin meant so much to me and now that she is gone i have realized she meant more then i expected. i know for a fact ben is such a big part of me. without him im not going to be ok. in just a few minutes im going to break down to my mom and basically beg her to let me move to twin with my dad for a year. i tried last year.. didnt go like i wanted but thats ok because i stayed here and met two amazing people but now i want to move still. why shouldnt i. its my dad. i hardly see him. i have been with my mom for all my life. whats one year with my dad. ill be less then 3 hours away and i just want to spend my last year with him before i head to college because as of now im either going to texas or oregon. i want to be with my dad. so we can be close and hang like we never get to. is that so much to ask? why is that wrong.. i have been so lost and depressed for months and months. elin and ben brought me out of it but when im not with them i slip back into it. and that scares me. so here i go. standing p for what i want. wish me luck. i love you elin. i miss you so much. in case you read this.

One weekend

Friday, i drove to twin, once i got there we started cleaning house for graduation. While on my way to get tables for grad. i got pulled over because i have over sized tires and apparently they kicked up a rock on the cop car following me. I did not receive a ticket, my dad on the other hand got a citation for not wearing his seat belt in the passengers seat hahahha i laughed. My big sister just graduated high school. I had to sneak into her grad. it wasnt too hard. watched the ceremony then had a party at our house for her. she went to her all night party. While she was there Kaitlynn(other sister), Austin(ryanns boyfriend) and I took a long walk to to bridge and just sat under it telling stories. great time. then we came back to the bon fire chilled with the adults and went to bed. Kaitlynn and i started our lord of the rings marathon. Sunday we cleaned up after the party then i took the dogs driving with my dad. Went to ice cream with my sister, had a birthday party at my aunts, and went swimming. My family is so awesome.. The birthday party was full of dirty conversations... u have to understand the only people there r my dad, step mom, aunt, great grandma, grandma uncle and uncle. and me. so im having dirty conversaations and making dirty jokes with my elders haha. then my great grandma who cant hear by the way, flips us all off as she says thats what she thinks of our nastiness hahaha. she can read lips good. but i was like wow my g-g-ma just flipped everyone off. ha. then after that my sister and a few friends and i went to the river and jumped in. ten o'clock at night... still practically winter.. it was so cold.. breath taking cold. but its tradition.. then we came home and continued our marathon.
I had such a great weekend. Im glad i got away. now i have to go back.. this week will be a sad one im sure. My newest sister is getting ready to leave :( after she graduates of course. Im excited to meet her family.

playing guitar

So Elin and I played at our art show today. The first time i was playing guitar with elin and i was singing as well. that didnt go so hot. then i played another song i know and i said cuss words into the mic. But then after a while elin and i played again. this time she played guitar while i sang and it went much better. and it was kinda intense because everyone had come to listen. but it went well :) also today i put chords to my song. and i really like it. thats just bout my day.

needed out of my head

i want to take a hitch hiking trip all around the US. and i want to randomly go to the airport and get a ticket to somewhere and i want to work all different jobs to get me from city to city, and i want to write songs that are ridiculously up beat and happy and i want to sing them on random corners. I want to help random people because they just need someone to help them through a day in their life. I want to live a life not just be alive for a life time. That may not make much sense to someone but right now i think about all this over and over again. I feel like most people settle, they arent doing what they want. they are just doing what they can easily reach because it's safer, and i think thats sad and i dont want that for anyone. I want their life to be what they truely chose.
I know you have to face reality. I understand that at a certain point u have to know what you cant really do but i think you can always find a way to do something you really want to do.
I just want to be able to do something. something that isn't just routine.

exciting weekend

It seems I don't have a whole lot to talk about lately, or I do I rather not say just yet haha. Well I have been sick for a couple days so I'm home right now.
The great thing about being sick and stuck at home is that I can play guitar all day long.. It's lovely.
Over the weekend we had the whole mulleys thing and young life. Saturday I actually can't recall. I don't remember much unless there is something that happened. Actually Elin and I went mothers day shopping and then I went and saw Iron Man 2 with my friend breezy and that night right after the movie breezy and i went to babysit. The kids we were babysitting are really little. . apparently trent the older of the two fell off his stool and smacked his head real hard cuz there was a knott so his mom was like if he acts funny just call us. I'm thinking ok.. he seems fine. well bout an hour after the parents leave he starts throwing up and stuff. so i call his mom who didnt answer til i called the nineth time. by this time he was on his fifth trip to the bathroom. I was guessing he had a concussion because then he said he was really tired. I've had a few and I know those are symptoms so i was like oh no. well after four conversations with his mom i convinced her to come home.. the next day i call to see how he is and wish her a happy mothers day and she claims he was just worked up because my friend came with me. funny thing is that day neither kid had ever been so chill. he was sitting with breezy watching a movie and i had thelittle one. I thought breezy helped. so i find it hard to believe that was the reason.. umm Sunday it was mothers day so we all went out to breakfast and then went bowling. That night I hung out with Ben..
and now im just at home playing guitar being sick. Today Elin and I are going for pizza. yay!!!

singing

Tonight I sang and played my guitar by myself for some people from young life.. I was so nervous. After all this isnt exactly like singing in front of a bunch of drunk people or just singing for ben and elin. These are people who are not drunk who actually here you and that i dont know so well. I went first.. And to my surprise it went really well. I kept my cool during the song and finished strong. Everyone was yelling and cheering. it felt pretty great i wont even lie. Maybe next time i will sing a song i wrote.
Afterwards i went to Mulleys where Ben and Elin were singing and playing. they sounded great as usual. It was their biggest night yet and they totally nailed it. I had no worries.. ha. While they did their thing I played pool with some friends. it was a great night all in all. now im bored out of my mind and hungry to the point of starvation... ha not really but still very hungry.
Well for now thats all i have. Maybe i will get some sleep. Going to the ranch tomorrow morning.. see some baby horses and once ben wakes up we will hang out. :)

my very own adventure

I'm not even sure what to say. I really haven't been so big on caring lately. I'm tired of hoping. I am just going to stop. It seems to always end in disappointment. Not completely I guess. Ben isn't moving after all. Which is totally awesome. Though it doesn't seem like much will happen like I want it to. That's okay though. I just want him here. We made this grand plan, I was so into it, I still am actually, but it's being put on hold for certain reasons which i understand but obviously don't like.
I just want to get on with my own life. Not a life I try to live to make people happy, to fulfill some sort of expectation someone has for me. It's so tiring. I want to live any way that I can. I would be incredibly happy living off cereal barely making rent with a good person. You may disagree and say that once i actually lived it I would feel different but you honestly don't know me. I would love just to have that experience if that were to be the adventure I went on. If it all worked out then hell ya that's even better but really if I were given this adventure and it ended up not working I would be ok with that. I would be living, I would have that experience, I just want something of my own life. Something not just another usual. I want to make it, not just follow some path many have taken.
I really wish our plan would work out. It would be so great. Living on our own doing things we love to get by. Being with a great person and trusting them enough to know that no matter which way it went it would all just be okay. I'm okay with any adventure headed my way, I really am, I just want it to be my adventure. My adventure with anyone else who is willing to live it with me.

My very own Guitar.

April 26th will forever be remembered. It's the day I got my first guitar. Elin and I had gone to 5j at least three times looking at guitars and just chilling playing a few different ones. I fell in love with the jasmine. she's beautiful. My plan was to save up money, mainly from selling my car, so i could go get it. My mother and sneaky elin worked together and my mom and paul went and got it for me. I am so happy. It's like my baby now. I told ben her name is jasmine, which isnt very creative since it's literally named jasmine but oh well lol. I have a list of songs to learn and if i could i would play all day. stupid school, always getting in the way.

If i could change any one thing.

I know everyone has had a moment they wish they could take back. i have them as well. and todays moment right now is at the top of my list. Since Elin is the only one who reads this i wont have to explain.

I am about to lose two people that im not sure i can handle losing. The impact they have made even surprised me. One amazing girl who lives with me and is now my big sister, and the other is a boy i don't want to say goodbye to.

Elin is leaving in less then two months. A day or two right after she graduates. it's not like she is just going a hundred miles away, even four hundred would be a road trip i could easily make but this is like many many more miles away. across an oceans worth of miles, literally across an ocean. I can't just see her all the time. I am going to make that trip somehow though. She knows me so well, she helps me through so much, and now she is about to leave.

Ben. (once again since only elin reads this i can say names.) I don't know how to possibly get him back. even if it is just for the next few months. he said he doesnt want to get attached but honestly i would feel much better having him for the while we had left then being around him and missing him so much. sometimes its hard for me not to get caught up in the moment with him and we just do silly things that make me think maybe he would want to make it work for the next few months too. but i try not to get my hopes up, i haven't expected much to work out for me for quite sometime until he came around of course. I was hoping somehow he would end up staying here, i am still hoping that,( thats not fair of me to hope though. he loves texas and i want him to be happy, im just being selfish right now) but now i am hoping, to start, that before he leaves we will have another chance, because i believe to hope for him to stay would be a greater disappointment then another chance. i am always so happy with this kid. If he could possibly just understand what i am thinking maybe something would be different. at least for a while. I don't know how to make him see. Not sure how i can tell him without saying any words.

What music means to me

So i have been writing "songs" since probably freshman year but it was always just something to do. I wasn't too serious about it especially since i didn't have a musical instrument to play with my lyrics. This year has totally changed my seriousness. Elin came and she plays guitar. quite amazingly and then also Ben came who is just as awesome, and them being my best friends lately. Elin is teaching me guitar and i have been writing a lot more and plan to get myself a guitar. I love music so much. I just want to to write something that makes people really think and listen and hear what it really being said. Music is so expressive. I wouldn't be who i am without it.

Music is such a huge part of my life and i can't imagine the world without it. Ever think about how much it influences us. No doubt some is not the best for influence but music is a big part of people. The creativity and the reality behind it tells a story and effects us whether we realize it or not.
Music can be an out, a savior, or a hobby for people. Some people listen to the beat and others listen to the words. Listening is only part of it though, actually hearing the words and what they mean or what they describe is the biggest part of music. No one could ever really appreciate music until they have really heard the story being told.
All forms of music tell a story of someone we can relate to. Scream, country, metal, rap, the list goes on. The artists are just like you and me, with an amazing way of expressing themselves.
The ones who don't write the songs could be the ones being saved by them. Every beat, every word, every song means something more then just another music star, another award, or another bad ending.
Our society and generation will never stop finding ways to express ourselves. Freedom of speech isn't just a right to protect our opinions its a way to express ourselves, to find who we are, and to save one another. Music is a huge part of the world, peoples imagination, and our success.
When I listen to music I find thoughts inside myself, feelings I didn't know existed, and a way to escape all the things trying to put me down.
Im going to make it through this life knowing that no matter what happens i will always have music and the stories behind the beat and lyrics of course to relate to.
I hope people will find what I have found in music. Let it in and enjoy the stories told every time we turn on that radio, our ipods, and our mp3s.

Drawing and Painting

I never really got into art until my friend Krista started showing me what she was doing in class. She is amazing at art by the way. So I took art this year and am very pleased with how much i have improved. This was my first pencil drawing of the year. I decided to draw a famous piece by M.C. Escher. I left out a few pieces of his picture. Objects in the background. This really helped me to get more into art. Now I am hoping to continue drawing as I get older and continue improving.

College choices

I am a junior and though this isn't my last year I have started looking at colleges since I was a sophomore. It's a little stressful not always knowing where you are going but I am trying to just live my life and let things fall into place. This has made things easier to handle. I am doing all this college stuff on my own. My parents aren't really into it. Hopefully I can get them to take video for my sports next year because this year they didn't get anything. In fact they somehow missed everything.."the camera turned off" exactly when I made a play and then turned back on magically when the play was over... well hopefully you can understand what I mean by me doing this college stuff on my own because I am not joking around about that. Anyway. I don't know if anyone has received a letter or just information about a college but it's kind of exciting when you do. More coaches are emailing me and sending me information about their school which is helping my confidence a ton. Maybe my parents will realize I can make it to college. Some days they seem interested almost but usually not a word is said, at least and an encouraging word. Words have been spoken but they were more of the discouraging kind. I personally can't wait til I go to college. I want to get out of here. Spring Creek is a lovely place and I would love to come back here when I am older but as a kid there isn't a lot here and of course my parents don't help. I want to get away from them for a while. I am thinking I might go live with my dad for a year or so and do my basics at the community college in twin if I don't receive an offer too good to pass up. It would be really nice to catch up with him and my step mom and sisters. I miss them. The seniors this year are all talking about the colleges they are about to go off too. I am very excited for them and can't wait until I can be the one talking about where I am going. I'm going to work hard and keep searching.

Lamoille Canyon

Today Elin and I went to the canyon and took pictures. Obviously all the pictures of me were taken by her lol. This weekend has been so sunny. We could literally fall asleep in the sun. Elin fell asleep and got burnt haha. It's hilarious. The canyon was very nice. I had quite a few different outfits and a great spot. I am not usually in pictures but Elin had fun and I got dressed up, it was fun. Next weekend we are going back so I can take pictures of Elin. When she isn't red and after I have bleached her hair. I am definitely enjoying the sunshine and now I can't wait for summer to come.

Changing my life

Meet Elin Westin. She has been living with me and my family for the last seven months. I am ashamed to admit it has taken us about five or six of those months to realize we have so much fun together and we are so alike. Elin plays guitar and sings beautiful songs. She is teaching me how to play guitar. This girl is basically my big sister. In two months she is leaving to go back home and I'm very sad about this. She is my best friend and partner in crime. On the bright side though I am going to make a trip to Sweden. Elin has changed my life. Since she has been here things in my family are a bit better, which is great considering how they were, so I have to thank her for that. If anyone knows Elin then you probably know that she doesn't judge you. Least I don't ever feel judged. She is an awesome person to be around and I am so happy she came into my life. I know that even when she leaves we will be close and she will always be a sister to me.




This is Mr. Ben Moore. In the past month he has changed my life just as much. If you ever feel like just being yourself and don't know who you can be that with, go see Ben. I have never been more of myself then I am with this kid. It's the best feeling. He is also a musician. Plays a few different instruments and sings. He and Elin play together at a few great places around this town. Ben and I used to go to the same school yet we didn't really talk, knew of each other but that's about it right.. Well basically thanks to Elin, Ben and I are good friends. I am sad that we didn't talk to each other before this year but glad we do now. He could also be another partner in crime of mine haha. Best part is he lives just done the road a ways from me, though he goes to school in Elko now. Ben has made me realize that I don't want to be anyone else but myself, I'm not going to keep changing who I am to be someone I'm really not for those around me. Some of my happiest times are with this kid and Elin as well. I am so thankful for them. I believe more with them and I am myself with them. You couldn't have better friends then those you are yourself around.

Side note: Elin drew his tattoo in this picture and I also must say I love this picture of him. [bandana :) ]

Loss

Sometimes in life we lose ourselves whether its for a moment or for a while more. Sometimes we lose our friends and the ones we love. In those times, some of us look back to see what happened to get us there. Some look forward to see if they will ever find what they are looking for. Some people find answers and some don't. When we find those answers I'd like to think we do something about where we are at, but i can not say that most of us do. I have found that a lot of people don't care. They don't even realize they are lost or that they have lost people on their way through life. I feel bad for these people and I wish some how I could open their eyes. It's much easier to see other people then to see yourself I believe. I'm not sure why this is bit sometimes it seems people are afraid of who they truly are. They hold themselves back to fir or they she away to keep people from noticing who they really are. I wish people could just be accepted for themselves. I wish no one had to prove to others that they matter. Everyone seems to have this desperate need to feel important, to feel they belong, and that they make a difference. I think maybe people don't always realize they have this feeling but I believe it's in every one of us, therefore we change, hold back, or open up more.

I don't understand how it could make such a difference. The way you talk, the way you dress, they way you do your makeup. I don't see why any of that matters when the real person before you is underneath all that.

I can't change people's thoughts, though I wish I could sometimes. I just hope that in time people realize this.

When we move on from either the good times or the bad, sometimes there are things, memories, and people we cannot take with us. In those times you have to believe that all is not lost. You can regain a lot, whether its a friend or just a small detail that you have missed. There is always time to regain those loses. Whether you find time or take the time you have to think and regain is your deal but I know there are things I would like to regain, to find,, and to remember.

Photography

I love photography. Photography is such an expressive art. It captures a moment, a memory, and a feeling. I hope to travel around to many different places to photograph all the different styles and cultures. I want to capture the world. I want to take a photograph that can mean something to people. Take a photograph that will make someone think.

Bar fight

Well I'm just starting out so we will see how this goes and currently I have much on my mind and I'm probably not going to make much sense but oh well.

Bar fights.. just witnessed one. I don't see how someone can be okay with themselves after having a meaningless fight with a drunk. Honestly. It seems people have this natural urge to fight, to prove themselves, to display a certain authority or something. I won't deny I have from time to time thought about getting in a fight but with a drunk..really I just don't understand that. They might say "well he was asking for it" or "he was talking shit", but lets stop and think about this.. when someone is drunk, and when I say drunk I mean barely walking type of drunk, do they really know whats going on. Are they really in any shape to get in a fight. .? no. How low do we have to be in order to half way soberly get in a fight with someone who is no where near the word sober.

Even in life, outside the bar, everyone as humans and whatever else you care to call life and society, our one consistency is war and murder. We fight and kill to progress, to move ahead, to just be mean, and for no apparent reason at all. If someone took a look at our past and started connecting things would we find any justification? Over many years and many wars, many moments of violence has anything really come from it..? We created a nation to break away from one that was controlling and "unamerican" but really what is unamerican.
I'm sorry if you are someone who totally loves america and thinks the world of it but you have to consider this... How can someone be unamerican? is it because that person goes against what we stand for..? we stand for freedom of many kinds for equal rights, for a number of things but were we really that when we first decided this. We had slaves, we murdered because of differences, beliefs, all sorts of reason otherwise unamerican... how can you be unamerican when our past is full of "unamerican ideas and actions"

well who would have thought we could get from a bar fight to unamericanism....